I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
