I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
