i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
