I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
