I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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