GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
