Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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