She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
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