when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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