Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
