her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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