I met the friendliest cop last night
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
