Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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