it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
