Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
