He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
