she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
