Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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