When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
