i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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