So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
