So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
