I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
