Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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