Having a random hookup so left but love u
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
