"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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