Are we in a gay sports bar?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
