I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
