I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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