O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
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"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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