How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
