Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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