she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
