I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
operation have a gay friend backfired
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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