that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.