I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You pole danced in your parka.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
