What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Who died my cat blue again?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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