you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
