my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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