You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
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I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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