why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
