At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm too high and old for this...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
