i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
