I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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