i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
