I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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