Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
