I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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