did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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