I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Enjoy the penises
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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