Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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