I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
