Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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