It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Randomize
