I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
