Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
