woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
