I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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