i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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