I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
