So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
